scandalous <3

so i have been thinking reciently.. and i am starting to realize i have become quite scandalous. not in a bad public kind of way, but more in the BOY department. i say boy because i have yet to meet a MAN. now this isnt a good thing, but it isnt quite bad either. im just being the same that guys have done to me, except not so bad. sure, you can have my number, take me to get some drinks, BUT we do stuff on my terms. *please note, these are not the good hearted caring boys* ill answer my phone if i want to answer and ill hang out with you when i feel like it. i dont show affection and i ask for it.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT...

Now, they want to. they want to be the good guy. they act a little nicer and show a little more affection. its amazing what happens and how that works.

its amazing how it works this way. a woman i highly look up to taught me this. she said 'carla, youll be suprised what rejection does to people. guys can dish it out, but they cant handle when its done to them.' WHAT A WISE WOMAN.

right now i am working on myself. i am becoming a better person, messin up here and there but im learning from it. i dont want a boy. i want a man. a man who will treat me well and i woulnt settle for less!

scandalous.

ima do me...

im so sick of assholes! omg! im sick of tryin to make ppl happy n them just not appreciating it. Damn i m so sick of baby daddy drama. wow ppl are right, im dumb, youre an asshole. i would love to collect child support, but i aint havin you have my baby for a couple months. no hoe is watchin my son... your commitment. f.u.
imma do me
im startin over. startin fresh..
new city, maybe state (once i work for a bit)
new attitude.
new job,
school.
new everything.
i just dont care anymore. im done caring for others and bendin over backwards. im just doin wat makes me happy from now on. yea, its selfish, but im okay with that.

so there are some things i guess you cant ask...

so i now know you should never ask...
'if i found out if i was preg would you still talk ot me?'

lol well it was an interesting convo... but something to think about...

why does race really matter...

touchy subject i know. but it doesnt bother me, obviously.

hmm... where to start. i sit here pondering my feelings, my thoughts, my urges. and i come to realize maybe this is what i want.
[[[roadblock]]] hes black.
this doesnt phase me i dont care what race.. however my family cares too much. im not sure what to do. i mean some people say just do what you want. and i did that before with damens father... but then i lose my family. i just hate this... why do people have to be rude. hes smart, nice, funny, working towards his masters degree, likes my son, me... what more could i ask for.
doing this is hard... it means no more family get togethers, no more family dinners, no more anything. im not going to leave him home to go to thanksgiving with my family cuz he is not welcome. thats just rude. i want to talk to him about it but im scared to. its not my fault my family is like that and i really wish i could change it, however, i cant.

i just pray for guidance and wisdom on this. if you have any thoughts please do share.

downhill...

so sometimes life feels like its going downhill. everything bad is happening and life just woulnt slow down. i realize this. and i realize you know what, God has a plan. Things happen for a reason, its to change something. it might be bad now but it will change for the better. either its teaching us something or we have to go through this for the end result to happen. sometimes everything bad happens and i just take a deep breath n think 'it ok, I got this, He (god) got it under control' and it makes me feel better. and it makes me stress less about whats going on. its a nice feeling to believe and to trust.
so last week was crappy. but its good that it happened and i found stuff out, cuz now i can learn from it, change it up and move on.

the def of carla...

Carla :
324 up, 13 down
An admirably smart and beautiful woman who is also classy and good humored. Cheerful, bubbly and happy. Most importantly, is good hearted and has great intentions. *Passionate and loving. Person who does not realize how gorgeous she is. Good dancer. Loves to please others. Note: Aggressive at times. Also, shorter than most.
The only thing I want is to have a Carla in my life. Girl: "I wish my hair looked like Carla's

intelligent beautiful funny short girl loving endearing lover great legs nice booty.

this was in urban dictionary, i think its me to a t... idk bout the short part.. maybe shorter then most guys

i want my life back

i know it sounds greedy and i know it sounds selfish, but i want my life back. i no longer have a life. i cant go out when i want, i cant even do what i want. i cant afford daycare, i mean i have like 3 friends who help out n watch damen, but i feel like im putting a burden on them. and my one girl friend who always helps me out goes to training in less then a month. idk i would just like some me time. i can usually find a sitter for when i work (which is like a whole 2 days a week) and when i have a planned event coming up (usually mom will help for that ex. the wedding this sat) but i can never find a sitter for me just to relax n have fun or even just clean. i love him, he's my world... its just i never planned on being a single mom... i was engaged... i kinda thought things would end dif. not me spending all my money on formula wipes and diapers. not that i mind, but it just doesnt give me a lot of money for stuff.
its just irritating. his brother gets help... but he dont. maybe its cuz i dont holler and nag and curse him out like the other one does...
i want to be able to be like 'hey, im runnin to the store, keep an eye on him will you' but i cant. cuz im by myself.
idk, i dont mean to vent im just sick of it, im sick of not having help. he can go to the store, hang with his friends, spend 150 on a pair of shoes... but me i live paycheck by paycheck, staying at home my life revolving completely around the baby. its just irritating that the me time i get is at work. maybe thats why i like to be there so much.
dont get me wrong, i know my life is to revolve around damen, but i also know that i am not the only parent, thats why i get aggrivated.

well i think i kinda got off and on subject... i just wish things were different, yeah i realize its my fault...