damen.. dad... mommy...

so damen has been sick with an ear infection for over two weeks. i thought it was gone but aparently the anabiotic was not strong enough. We started a stronger one giving damen diarrhea, bu thopefully it is finally going away for real. anyways..
i have been trying to contact his father and he will not answer or return any calls or texts. even knowing that i needed him for health reasons, trying to see if he had any allergies to medications, his health history and all allergies. finally today he finally responded to me via text. saying pretty much i am a beat mom because i went for child support. um no, i was not getting any help from him. its not like he comes and helps with damen. he has only seen him twice. both times i came down there.

ok to the main point...
so he texts me saying its my fault that he does not have a dad. and damen lost out on a dad because of me and the money he does give me (which has only happened once) is damens daddy.

well guess what, damen has the best daddy in the world. any idiot can become a father, but only a man can be a dad. he has one that loves both of us more than the world. damen and i are very lucky. so you know what yea, hes missing out on having a jerk in his life. he does not need that. damen deserves the world and to be loved! so he can blow it.

public restrooms

so have you ever noticed how gross public restrooms are. they are o so disgusting! however its even worse when you have an infant or toddler with you cuz then you have to put them down n just their shoes touching the floor makes me want to puke. *for the record, i hate public bathrooms, they are gross n smelly n like always have pee on the seats* however today i was working (i drive for my job) and really had to pee so finally i was like fine ill go to sheetz. eww a gas station of all places. well i went in there and they had this lil seat thing to strap lil wee ones in in the stall with you. how clever. and how come they only have this in a sheetz bathroom.. its one of the biggest advoidences ever. i only go there if i think i am going to pee my pants if` not lol.

its been a really long time...

wow, its been forever. i have needed to blog for a very long time. its nice to get stuff off your chest. and i guess it helps you clear your thoughts.

so here it goes....

in the past few months lots have changed. jobs, house, car and friends. I moved on from my resident manager job having to go through lots and didnt want to juggle work, work and family and baby daddy stuff. the butler office closed so i no longer got to be a receptionist. i stopped dating dumb guys and went on this blind date... that i cant believe that i went on. and i absolutely love him i could not be happier. I moved in with him and his family. its quite a houseful but it is awesome. its nice to do a family life and support around me. Damen is getting quite big, growing like no other.

ok so im just rambaling.. lol cant help it.

hmmm tanning.. i need to do that.

ok so anyways we all live here n its awesome, n the big ole town in boonieville lol. its cool and nice like no neighbors. SWEET! i now ride the quad and mini-bike. it is really cool.

I am now working as an ambulance and stretcher van driver just part time. it is nmice cuz i get to spend lots of time with damen. its awesome!

i want to watch csi miami..

and need desperate housewives season 3.

i have become really random. i have become me again. i am soo happy. im done typing. ill type in depth tomo.

scandalous <3

so i have been thinking reciently.. and i am starting to realize i have become quite scandalous. not in a bad public kind of way, but more in the BOY department. i say boy because i have yet to meet a MAN. now this isnt a good thing, but it isnt quite bad either. im just being the same that guys have done to me, except not so bad. sure, you can have my number, take me to get some drinks, BUT we do stuff on my terms. *please note, these are not the good hearted caring boys* ill answer my phone if i want to answer and ill hang out with you when i feel like it. i dont show affection and i ask for it.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT...

Now, they want to. they want to be the good guy. they act a little nicer and show a little more affection. its amazing what happens and how that works.

its amazing how it works this way. a woman i highly look up to taught me this. she said 'carla, youll be suprised what rejection does to people. guys can dish it out, but they cant handle when its done to them.' WHAT A WISE WOMAN.

right now i am working on myself. i am becoming a better person, messin up here and there but im learning from it. i dont want a boy. i want a man. a man who will treat me well and i woulnt settle for less!

scandalous.

ima do me...

im so sick of assholes! omg! im sick of tryin to make ppl happy n them just not appreciating it. Damn i m so sick of baby daddy drama. wow ppl are right, im dumb, youre an asshole. i would love to collect child support, but i aint havin you have my baby for a couple months. no hoe is watchin my son... your commitment. f.u.
imma do me
im startin over. startin fresh..
new city, maybe state (once i work for a bit)
new attitude.
new job,
school.
new everything.
i just dont care anymore. im done caring for others and bendin over backwards. im just doin wat makes me happy from now on. yea, its selfish, but im okay with that.

so there are some things i guess you cant ask...

so i now know you should never ask...
'if i found out if i was preg would you still talk ot me?'

lol well it was an interesting convo... but something to think about...

why does race really matter...

touchy subject i know. but it doesnt bother me, obviously.

hmm... where to start. i sit here pondering my feelings, my thoughts, my urges. and i come to realize maybe this is what i want.
[[[roadblock]]] hes black.
this doesnt phase me i dont care what race.. however my family cares too much. im not sure what to do. i mean some people say just do what you want. and i did that before with damens father... but then i lose my family. i just hate this... why do people have to be rude. hes smart, nice, funny, working towards his masters degree, likes my son, me... what more could i ask for.
doing this is hard... it means no more family get togethers, no more family dinners, no more anything. im not going to leave him home to go to thanksgiving with my family cuz he is not welcome. thats just rude. i want to talk to him about it but im scared to. its not my fault my family is like that and i really wish i could change it, however, i cant.

i just pray for guidance and wisdom on this. if you have any thoughts please do share.