scandalous <3

so i have been thinking reciently.. and i am starting to realize i have become quite scandalous. not in a bad public kind of way, but more in the BOY department. i say boy because i have yet to meet a MAN. now this isnt a good thing, but it isnt quite bad either. im just being the same that guys have done to me, except not so bad. sure, you can have my number, take me to get some drinks, BUT we do stuff on my terms. *please note, these are not the good hearted caring boys* ill answer my phone if i want to answer and ill hang out with you when i feel like it. i dont show affection and i ask for it.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT...

Now, they want to. they want to be the good guy. they act a little nicer and show a little more affection. its amazing what happens and how that works.

its amazing how it works this way. a woman i highly look up to taught me this. she said 'carla, youll be suprised what rejection does to people. guys can dish it out, but they cant handle when its done to them.' WHAT A WISE WOMAN.

right now i am working on myself. i am becoming a better person, messin up here and there but im learning from it. i dont want a boy. i want a man. a man who will treat me well and i woulnt settle for less!

scandalous.

ima do me...

im so sick of assholes! omg! im sick of tryin to make ppl happy n them just not appreciating it. Damn i m so sick of baby daddy drama. wow ppl are right, im dumb, youre an asshole. i would love to collect child support, but i aint havin you have my baby for a couple months. no hoe is watchin my son... your commitment. f.u.
imma do me
im startin over. startin fresh..
new city, maybe state (once i work for a bit)
new attitude.
new job,
school.
new everything.
i just dont care anymore. im done caring for others and bendin over backwards. im just doin wat makes me happy from now on. yea, its selfish, but im okay with that.

so there are some things i guess you cant ask...

so i now know you should never ask...
'if i found out if i was preg would you still talk ot me?'

lol well it was an interesting convo... but something to think about...

why does race really matter...

touchy subject i know. but it doesnt bother me, obviously.

hmm... where to start. i sit here pondering my feelings, my thoughts, my urges. and i come to realize maybe this is what i want.
[[[roadblock]]] hes black.
this doesnt phase me i dont care what race.. however my family cares too much. im not sure what to do. i mean some people say just do what you want. and i did that before with damens father... but then i lose my family. i just hate this... why do people have to be rude. hes smart, nice, funny, working towards his masters degree, likes my son, me... what more could i ask for.
doing this is hard... it means no more family get togethers, no more family dinners, no more anything. im not going to leave him home to go to thanksgiving with my family cuz he is not welcome. thats just rude. i want to talk to him about it but im scared to. its not my fault my family is like that and i really wish i could change it, however, i cant.

i just pray for guidance and wisdom on this. if you have any thoughts please do share.

downhill...

so sometimes life feels like its going downhill. everything bad is happening and life just woulnt slow down. i realize this. and i realize you know what, God has a plan. Things happen for a reason, its to change something. it might be bad now but it will change for the better. either its teaching us something or we have to go through this for the end result to happen. sometimes everything bad happens and i just take a deep breath n think 'it ok, I got this, He (god) got it under control' and it makes me feel better. and it makes me stress less about whats going on. its a nice feeling to believe and to trust.
so last week was crappy. but its good that it happened and i found stuff out, cuz now i can learn from it, change it up and move on.

the def of carla...

Carla :
324 up, 13 down
An admirably smart and beautiful woman who is also classy and good humored. Cheerful, bubbly and happy. Most importantly, is good hearted and has great intentions. *Passionate and loving. Person who does not realize how gorgeous she is. Good dancer. Loves to please others. Note: Aggressive at times. Also, shorter than most.
The only thing I want is to have a Carla in my life. Girl: "I wish my hair looked like Carla's

intelligent beautiful funny short girl loving endearing lover great legs nice booty.

this was in urban dictionary, i think its me to a t... idk bout the short part.. maybe shorter then most guys

i want my life back

i know it sounds greedy and i know it sounds selfish, but i want my life back. i no longer have a life. i cant go out when i want, i cant even do what i want. i cant afford daycare, i mean i have like 3 friends who help out n watch damen, but i feel like im putting a burden on them. and my one girl friend who always helps me out goes to training in less then a month. idk i would just like some me time. i can usually find a sitter for when i work (which is like a whole 2 days a week) and when i have a planned event coming up (usually mom will help for that ex. the wedding this sat) but i can never find a sitter for me just to relax n have fun or even just clean. i love him, he's my world... its just i never planned on being a single mom... i was engaged... i kinda thought things would end dif. not me spending all my money on formula wipes and diapers. not that i mind, but it just doesnt give me a lot of money for stuff.
its just irritating. his brother gets help... but he dont. maybe its cuz i dont holler and nag and curse him out like the other one does...
i want to be able to be like 'hey, im runnin to the store, keep an eye on him will you' but i cant. cuz im by myself.
idk, i dont mean to vent im just sick of it, im sick of not having help. he can go to the store, hang with his friends, spend 150 on a pair of shoes... but me i live paycheck by paycheck, staying at home my life revolving completely around the baby. its just irritating that the me time i get is at work. maybe thats why i like to be there so much.
dont get me wrong, i know my life is to revolve around damen, but i also know that i am not the only parent, thats why i get aggrivated.

well i think i kinda got off and on subject... i just wish things were different, yeah i realize its my fault...

faithfulness...

you know, now a days its hard to find anyone thats truely faithful.
i cant tell you how many married men try and talk to me. ok, thats so unwanted. one of my friends even tried to make moves, ive lost total respect for him. does he really think im like that, i know hes married, i met his wife. he is one i didnt think was like that... hes even got kids. it makes me wonder if ill ever be secure enough in the relationship department.

i know i have been disrespected by a few guys. constantly getting told lies and always having that gut feeling. in the end i was right. it always makes me wondeer...why?? what did i do to deserve this. what went wrong. no, every guy is not like this... i do see quite a bit of true loving faithful relationships, however, there is way too many unfaithful ones.
expecially in the army. you always hear about soldiers cheating on their spouses. ones that are and arent deployed. it always makes me feel bad.

it always makes me wonder what people are thinking. and it makes it scary to get into a relationship. cuz people i thought were totally faithful and honest turned out to be the complete opposite. its scary. its weird. its uncalled for.

if your spouse, fiance or bf/gf isnt doin it for you, say something. because you may be able to fix it. lots of times its cuz theyre always busy or away or their love life is falling apart. but talk about it. you can save so many families and relationships by this. you dont need to disrespect your partner. so why dont people save the hurt, the tears, the wandering and just be open. sit down and be honest. talk.

if we did this many people would be happier. many issues would be resolved. the world would be a better place and i think God would be proud.

fighting

ugh i hate fighting. it makes me so miserable. and i hate to say it but when i get mad sometimes i can get nasty. i dont know why but i have been so irritable lately. i dont know if its cuz of my medicine or what.. but since i got mastitus ive been pushy. yikes!! thats no good.

life of a mom

being a mom is AMAZING. i love every single part of it. mainly i love the unconditional love that i have for Damen. i never know i could love someone so much. he will be 4 months on the 3rd. growing up so fast! :)

though i hate having him go to the sitters. what if he gets hurt? what if he crys? what if he just wants mom and im no where around? all of these are things i think about as i work or get daily tasks done without 'D' man by my side. However the little break is very nice and refreshing! i will not lie lol.

i miss his newbornness but i am also enjoying this almost fun time stage. i love that he reaches for things, rolls over, holds a bottle, and swings on a swing. i get sad, mad, just upset overall that his father misses all this. secretly i dont want him in daycare cuz what if he crawls for the first time and im not there. how can i miss that!? but his father misses all of this. its not his fault, i will say that. he is stationed in GA so i dont get mad at him, but i feel bad that he doesnt get to enjoy this time. idk...

i would never change anything in the world about being a mom. i love it. its hard work, and quite expensive but i enjoy every part of it.

improvement

so i have decided i need to become a better person all aroundt. not that im a bad person, i just want to improve mentally, physically, emotionally, all of that. i just know that im not finished working on me. and time is even shorter now, expecially since i have had my son, I love him he's my angel. but i really wish i could of finished working on me first so i could do better with providing him a good future. college would of been cool, its just gonna have to wait for a bit now. im not sure what my complete calling is... i love to help and make people happy. i love working for the lighthouse, i just wish it was in a different location, where my family will be. well i guess its kinda like a family. idk im not going to get technical. but anyways i just wanna improve. and i guess im kinda just babbling but thats ok, thats blogging right.

how i can and want to improve on mentally:
`look into/start online schooling
`read more 'educational' books
`take my boards for cosmotology
`gain a broader vocabulary

how i can and want to improve on physically:
`do my tony hortons ten minute workouts
`walk more
`crunches
`run
`join a gym
`take exercise classes

how i can and want to improve on emotionally:
`be more understanding
`not assume
`

everything changes

my life continuasly changes. nothing seems to go the same. my life changes, my career changes, my family constantly changes. im ready for life to stop spinning and just stay in one place for awhile. i've moved 5 times in the past year. expecially now that i have a son i guess i really need to stay put somewhere, start a routine. its kind of hard, because i havn't had a routine since high school. well besides the army, you don't got a choice there. so i'm trying to do this routine thing. im not quite sure how i want to do it or how i want to start it... but i need to and im going to.

Questions & Answers

The Simple Stuff
Username:: almost perfect
Name:: Carla
Wearing:: cute black tights and hot red top
Eye Colour:: hazel
Hair Colour:: dark brown
Are You Wearing Make-up?: lip gloss (cant go without it)
Are You Listening To Music?: yeah
Ethnicity:: white...and i mean white lol
Are You Tanned?: normally yes
What Is Your Natural Hair Colour?: dirty blonde/light ass brown
Do You Have Nail Polish On?: no, had drill
Eating:: velveeta mac n cheese
Drinking:: cool aid
Is It Hot Or Cold?: cold... snowed in!!
Favourites:
Colour?: green??
Hair Colour?: dark
Hair Style?: crazy sex hair
Shop?: addicted.. possibly
Place To Be?: walmart LMAO
Sancuary?: curled up in a blanket
Relative?: my lol bro
Friend?: you know who yinz are!!!
City?: not sure
Country?: the U.S. of A
Drink?: red bull
Alcoholic Drink?: jeager bombs lol
Food?: crab legs
Seat In The Car?: drivers
Band?: KILL DINOSAUR KILL
Song?: it wasnt me
Musician?: van morrison
Artist?: me
Author?: mary higgins clark
Website?: myspace lol
Movie?: not sure
Animal?: sloth
Game?: mancola
Fantasy?: you in a jagr or crosbey jersey
Time Of Day?: noon
Time Of Night?: 9
Do You/Have You?
Drink?: love it
Smoke?: nope
Do Drugs? not me
Wet The Bed?: no
Lie?: fib but rarely
Cheat?: never
Brush Your Teeth?: duh
Brush Your Hair?: sometimes lol
Have A Pet?: bugs!! my perverted kitty
Have A Pool?: nada
Cut? no
Tried To Commit Suicide?: never, my life is too important
Wish You Were Someone Else?: i like being me!!
Wish You Were Somewhere Else?: yes i hate this town.
Wish You Had A Different Family?: could i trade the dad??
Get Good Grades?: in school yeah..
Have A Job?: soldier in the army reserves, resident manager, americorps member
Been Skinnydipping?: lmao at ashleys
Been On Stage:: of course
Sing?: all the time.. keep me away from karaoke night
Dance?: daily
Give Speeches?: only when beth makes me
Met A Famous Person?: yes. bettis.
Lost Your Voice?: yes
Had Detention?: haha once in high school
Been Expelled?: lol yes long story
Been Yelled At By A Teacher?: yes
Yelled At A Teacher?: no just argued
Been In A Fight At School?: no
Skipped School?: lol all the time
Pulled A Sickie?: duh
Had A Fight With Your Parents?: um yeah
Had Sex?: no, mother teresa lmao, i do have a son on the way
Are You?
Attractive?: yes
Loud?: in bed?? lol
Quiet?: sometimes
Shy?: with ppl i dont know or a large amount of ppl, except when im drinkin
Outgoing?: yeah
Religious?: kinda
Suicidal?: no
Homicidal?: no
A Good Role Model?: yes
Random:
Do You Like Yourself?: yes
Do You Believe In Yourself?: yeah, sometimes get doubts
Are You IN Love?: no
Have You Been In Love?: yes
Do You Have A Crush?: maybe
Have You Ever Had A Crush On A Teacher?: no lol
How Many Brothers And Sisters Do You Have?: 2
What Sexuality Are You?: straight
Who's Your Icon? no one
What's Your Favourite Saying?: huh??
Are You Male Or Female?: female
Do You Want To Be A Different Gender?: sometimes, cuz a guy doesnt have as many worries
Do You Ever Wonder What The Other Sex Thinks About?: no, i already know, always around guys
What's Your Favourite Genre Of Music?: not sure...
Do You Get Along With Your Parents?: my mother
Do You Buy CDs Or Download Them?: both
Do You Believe In God?: yes
Satan?: yes
Angels?: yes
Demons?: its a possibility
Ghosts? maybe
Aliens?: no
Reincarnation?: thats weird
Karma?: of course!!
Fate?: sometimes
Do You Shave Or Wax?: both
Do You Want To Get Married?: yes, i want a family more then anything, but im willing to be patient
Do You Want To Have Kids?: damen's on the way!!
Do You Dream Of 'The White Picket Fence'?: no not rele

UPDATE, i should have my own news...

so.. i went to church the other week. i got to see vern ?recommited? to bakerstown alliance. yay! i was so excited for him. dr. morledge (sp) made me laugh... though i didnt know him n vern went way back. but i was happy. its kinda weird for vern to be leaving the lighthouse but i have good faith in dan. (back to my topic) it felt so good to be in 'the house of God' though i dont know if it was concidered a service... they didnt do communion (do they do communion???) so i may not have technically ATTENDED a service. but i plan on doing so and MORE. gradually, it kinda feels like learning to swim, one step at a time. i think its hard to get involved cuz im shy and dont know the ins and outs. heck if i went to a catholic church id be a pro!! :)
but im doing something new. and out of everyone i know there (not a lot but still!) i really seem to like. they all seem supportive and 'family like'

yes, somehow i sit here STILL pregnant. geez what the heck. the dr didnt even see if i dialated anymore. (the other week i was 1cm!!!)
though i now have all the baby stuff ready (i think!!) and according to ashley ive been very hormonal and MEAN... (lol oops) but shes right, which is why i need all the prayers to have my baby before super bowl SUNDAYY!! hey... dont wanna be cranky during that. ANd not to start labor during the game, cuz thats just my luck.

my brother is in a band KDK Kill dinosaur kill (what a pleasant name) lol they did 2 shows so far.. its cute.. im ean RAD lol. its nice though, to see how happy my bro is to see me in the crowd (which isnt big) but once he sees me he sees his support :) so it makes me feel all warm inside (like i did a good thing or something) but hes my lil bro of course im there for him.. but he has a big show the 30th so if youd like to come!!!

my mom has some things going on (which i cant mention) it bothers me, and i pray everything is okay. she makes me worried, sometimes i feel like her mother. but yeah...

this is all the updates that i can think of and everything on my mind at the moment...

a new bundle of joy is on the way!!!

so... its the 18th... only days left (what happened to the MONTHS) february 9th is coming fast.
I HAVE NOTHING PREPARED.. and yet im on the computer blogging...

so today i put up the pack n play (i have to use the bassinet on it til i get a crib); his socks, sleepers and going home outfit are in the wash now (yay go me). im bout to do his dresser :) i want dinosaurs, but everything is pooh. soo pooh it is lol.
im just putting him in my room for now, the other room can b storage.
i cant wait im sooo excited. my sons going to be here finally!!!

its finally decided..

so i totally and officially picked out the name. Damen Dakota. <3 yay!

new years resolution... CHURCH

so i know everyone comes up with their resolutions before new years, but its after and i still have no clue.
almost everyone does diets, not eating this, not doing that.
but i dont need to diet (pregnant or not pregnant, its hard for me to get fat)
i dont really eat anything bad for me. i dont drink too much. GEez im almost like perfect. lol just kidding.
Maybe church. i should go more. i need to go more. its been quite awhile. but i only feel comfortable in a catholic church (sorry vern n dan). but catholics (and i can say this being one) are very judgemental. like you almost have to be perfect; god forbid if youre gay, or divorced or just not nose in the air. so im terrified to go to church pregnant and not married. woulda been married but thats another story all together. so i like sinned. and didnt confess my sin, but i aint going to. Thats like saying i shouldnt have had my baby. which yes, he was a SUPRISE, but not a regret. nothing that im going to apoligize for. nothing im going to call a sin.
you might hear me say 'youve heard of jesus, well this is his brother' its a joke, probably a bad one, but its just another way of me saying accept it. i dont regret my baby, maybe what happened but i love my end result.
anyways back to the church thing: this is a reason why i stray from church. you might ask then why be catholic, why not go to another church. my reply, modern church is weird for me. there is no modern day things in our church. years ago i had to stop being an alter server (aka alter BOY) because i wasnt a BOY. so im used to anything but modern. but maybe thats the mindset i need to get out of. RESOLUTIONS ARE SOMETHING YOU HAVE TO WORK AT RIGHT???
so maybe this really should be my resolution.
church of some sort of some religion.
maybe ill learn bout all religions, maybe ill end up buddist (doubt it but you get the point)
so writing this i came up with my late new years resolution.
have any ideas let me know!!

me, my car and my ideas

WELL.. yesterday came up with a GENIUS idea, (i like to plot things and often my ideas dont work, but i get excited anyways). so i was coming up with a way to get a new car or get my CANCER (rust) fixed. and i realized... hmm, im always doing somethies i.e. hitting a tree and knocking out my taillight, hitting the van, backing up and hitting the shed, or sideswiping my car along the cart things at walmart. If you notice, there is a pattern ALL ARE WHEN IM TRYING TO PARK AND BACK UP. so yinz now know i cant park to save my life lol.

HOWEVER, i was like; if i get full coverage and hit something my insurance will cover it and fix or replace my car, and it woulnt be insurance fraud or onpurpose, i just came to realization that i almost always hit something atleast once a week. but then, this is when i realized i know nothing about insurance. my dad doesnt talk to me so i called up my other 'dad' (who i ask all my dad questions to i.e. car, insurance, advice,boy stuff) "VERN, I HAVE AN AMAZING IDEA..." and i tell him my idea

SHUT DOWN. totally bursted my bubble (its ok though:) ) but aparently insurance doesnt work like i imagined. so now im not getting full coverage lol.